What to do, what to do?
Okay as most of you know I’m on the road to having ankle surgery. I already have an appointment in the books and everything but what you don’t know is that no definite decision has been made. The only reason why we made the appointment without deciding for sure first is because I have to have the surgery within a specific window of time so that I can be off crutches before school starts. If I can’t have it in the window we will definitely be waiting until at least when school is over in the spring. This was the only appointment available in that window, so being proactive people my Mom made the appointment just to “hold the spot” so to speak.
I’ve been mulling over the procedure while waiting to hear from insurance and things. My Dad is a professional landscape photographer with a small printing business on the side, so there was always a possibility that we wouldn’t be able to “make it happen” right now, depending on the insurance. But I’m really close to my deductable right now due to a serious sinus infection in the late winter of this year so not having to pay that 1,500 dollars is really helpful. Plus the insurance is actually going to be paying a lot of the procedure.
But the bottom line is that this is an elective surgery. I have to choose to have it done, and I was somewhat waiting to hear what the final decision from my parents was. They told me today that I had to decide what I wanted and that’s what we’ll do.
I don’t know what to do. It’s a big procedure, pretty invasive with a lot of rehabbing after. Why would I choose to have this done to my ankle?
Actually the procedure I could be having is more of an anatomical version of this (what is pictured is considered “old school”), but it’s basically the same thing.
I feel like the timing is right, I’m going to be off my feet for about two months. This isn’t the kind of thing you can do when you’re living on your own. Plus I need it, my ankle is very weak. I can’t imagine trying to have babies one day when I can roll my ankle and fall down doing- anything. Plus I want to be active, I like running. I don’t have any desire to be one of those people who go to the gym do 25 minutes on the elliptical or stationary bike and go home.
I’m in no way “dissing” people who work out like that. Working out at any level is good and admirable, but physical fitness is such a big part of my life I don’t think I would be happy living a life with that level of fitness. I want to run and trail run and maybe hike and swim. I’m a basketball coach, and hope to continue doing that for many years. I want to be able to actually show my girls how to play, not just explain it.
I don’t know how to not be this person, and if I say “no” to the surgery now, I’m basically walking away from this person for who knows how long. But it is elective, why would I want to bore holes in my ankle bone and remove a tendon from my knee to replace two ligaments in my ankle?
This is a procedure that my doctor says maybe comes around once a year. That means that he has maybe done 8 of them. Plus I have to go under anesthesia and take heavy dose pain killers for a while after that.
I know it will be worth it in the end, and no time will ever be the perfect time. I’ll always be quitting something to fit the surgery into my life because it has such a long recoup time. Max told me that I probably don’t even realize how bad my ankle is, like when you’re sick for a really long time and you don’t realize how bad you really feel until you get better.
Part of me says just do it, you’ve wanted it for so long. But when I wanted it it really wasn’t real, and it was a far less invasive procedure. I don’t know what it feels like to wear heals on a normal ankle joint, or to run 3 miles on healthy ligaments. Will it really feel enough better to go through a procedure like this?
The doctor says that with the surgery I’ll have no more pain, no more instability, it will be back to perfect and healthy. But there are always complications. People have reactions to anesthesia all the time.
I don’t know what to do. There’s no way of knowing until I do it. I don’t know what to do.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
This is a tough decision, but I think deep down, you know the answer. It is so hard when things aren’t black and white (like they were when we were younger). I will be sending good thoughts your way tonight and tomorrow. I hope you feel peace about whatever decision you make!
Aww sweetie! =/ That’s an awful decision to have to make. “Why choose the surgery?” I’d say for all those reasons you just listed. I love you & I’m sure whatever you decide will be the right choice, though.